the joy of the lord

by socialchick~Let me first say that I so don't want to write this blog but feel I must. Here comes some more honesty that I don't really want to share with the world. So I hope someone can get something from it.

What comes to mind when you hear the joy of the lord? I immediately start singing the song that so many of us learned when we were young but never thought anything else about it until recently. To really get you to understand how this little scripture changed my life I must start with some deeply personal, embarrassing, and depressing moments.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm not an emotional person. Barely ever do I let things bother me. I'm not one to wallow in self pity or even fight depression. It is even hard for me to share my heart at times. So please bare with me as I write this. Once again I so don't want to do this but here we go.

For about three weeks now I have been very depressed with my life. I have wondered many time if this is all there is for me? Wiping butts and snotty noses, feeding a baby every 3 hours, breaking up fights, fixing breakfast, lunch and dinner, and giving out as much love as I can to three little girls and my husband. Why can't I ever have me time? I was frustrated that every time I sit down to eat I hear a child scream or another one ask for a bite and mad that I never get any privacy. The list could go on and on. I have even felt embarrassed by my weight (which I have never done before).

See being a stay at home mom is a very demanding job and sometimes you never see the results. So I have kind of felt like I have lost my identity. Who am I besides a mother and a wife?

Because of how I was feeling about my life, I began to feel angry at friends, family, my husband, and even God. I know I can hear you gasp but I'm being honest. It is ok that I got angry at God, I told him about it. lol! I was angry that I had a screaming baby, that I was finding it very hard and overwhelming to have 3 kids. I became jealous of stupid things, and just felt left out in life in general.

My depression was not a constant thing and it was not very serious. Some of you probably could not even tell I was going through anything. There were times that I could be in a good mood and have fun but at the end of the day the best part of my day was going to bed and the worst was getting out of bed. Still I managed to move on.

Well Wednesday I was on the phone with my sister in tears doing nothing but complaining and wallowing in lies from satan. I layed down to take a nap but could not go to sleep. All I could hear was the word joy, joy, joy over and over in my head. I began to sing every song that I knew with the word joy in it and then finally the verse "the joy of the Lord is my strength", became revelation knowledge.

There is a difference in happiness and joy. Happiness relies only on external things. Like going on a date with my husband, or hanging with my awesome friends, or eating a bag of peanut butter m&m's with a glass of milk, or having money to go shopping with.

Joy is finding laughter when you are ready to pull your hair out because Miss Priss just tried to change Lil Sis's poopy diaper and smeared it all over her and the floor. Joy is loving the fact that I am a mom to a screaming baby. Joy is hugging someone you are mad at. Joy is praying for someone that you are jealous of. Joy is finding peace when the kids are screaming, the house is a mess, and the phone wont stop ringing.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength doesn't mean my physical strength but it is my mental and emotional strength. Nothing worldly is going to satisfy my happiness and joy. Only God! It's is only the joy of the Lord that is going to get me through my rough days. Not saying that I won't need a break or even get frustrated, but now I realize I can take a deep breath and find joy through my 3 healthy little girls that the Lord has given me.

The scripture in Nehemiah 8:10 helped me find myself again. With a joyful heart I can say I am a mother of 3 wonderful girls. I have been called and anointed to be a stay at home mom. I am a wife to an awesome husband who loves me with all of his heart. God has called me for such a time as this. I am the daughter to a Heavenly Father that loves me unconditionally!

So there you go. Now I can breath. I hope you can get something out of this. If anything please keep me in your prayers. Pray that God will continue to show me His true joy!

Comments

[plannerchick]

love you, thankful for you, and appreciate you writing this, I imagine it wasn't easy to share with the world. I am praying and excited to hear as God continues to reveal His joy to you.

[aunt ammie]

Kristen, I was so touched by your honesty. If it touched me that much just think how it touches our Father God. Memories came rushing back of several years ago when my grandchildren lived with me for 6 months; ages 6, 5, and 1(at that time.)My son was
just leaving for college and I was left alone with this huge responsibility
as a single parent.
Although, the circumtances are different, the emotions are the same. The feelings are overwhelming. Like you had to do, I had to be perfectly honest with God and tell him that I couldn't do it! The amazing thing is that He knew it all along. He just wanted me to be honest and totally trust Him. Truly His joy is our strength.
The relationship that you experience with Him during this time will be one you will
always cherish.
I know this is a tough time for you, but I promise you that what He is doing in you and your family is wonderful. One day soon Spring will come forth in full bloom in your life. Love you and your family.

[Kayla]

This was such an eye opener for me. Thank you for sharing!!

[Amy]

Happy for you! May God continue his great work. I was swimming today and my son would not stop hanging all over me and splashing me in the face. I was wishing he would go play. Sudenly this thought came to mind. Whe he leaves for college or gets married I will probably give anything for him to hang on me;o) They grow up so fast, I am so thankful for the years we have spent together at home. God is reminding me of his TRUE blessings everyday.

[Megan]

Apparently God gave you mind-reading capabilities because I cried as I read this and thought, "Sounds a lot like my life" minus 1-2 kids, obviously. I was just thinking today about how I feel like I'm always complaining about something, about how I never feel like I let God's light shine through me. You were meant to be in my life for a reason because in the short time I've known you I feel like you get me better sometimes than friends I've had all my life. I am so thankful for you, your honesty and this blog! Maybe it was intended for me.... I got something out of it for sure, so thanks for sharing. LOVE YOU!!

[Jessica W.]

That was for me. I think you're reading my texts or listening into my conversations...
Thank you for sharing!!!

[photochick]

You have touched many with your transparency. I could write you a book that probably wouldn't change a thing, so I'll just say this . . .

1) Be comforted that you are not crazy and are not alone in these feelings. It's ok to not feel perfect.

2) You are blessed coming in and going out.

3) Per Aunt Betty's numerous times to me . . . this too shall pass.

We love you!!

[photochick]

Forgot one thing . . .

You WILL overcome and when you do this will be a mighty notch in your staff of remembrance. Little comfort when you would prefer right now tot ake a break from earning those notches, I know, but one day . . .

[J Tison]

Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how much I needed this today. I don't know if you know what is going on with me, but I am at times having a very rough time. I KNOW God is in control and is going to be with me every step of the way but sometimes the devil gets in the way and I feel so helpless and doubtful. I know everybody has rough times but I sometimes feel I'm the only one going through a trial. I will pray for you and I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I find out what my treatments will be.

[Laura]

Thank you so much for giving all of us who love you a window to your soul. It was a wonderful post, Kristen. Right now as I am taking care of my grandsons 7 & 4 full time during the day, I have had many of those same thoughts and more... how did I honestly get myself into this housekeeper/babysitter job..but it's because I still love my own baby girl (who is 34 1/2 now) so much, I just can't say no. She says "once a mom, always a mom" - I say to you Kristen, you are one of the best. God bless you and yours. And...Betty S. is right "this too, shall pass" (and quickly, you'll see).

[Malyn]

Kristen,
Thank you for this post. It's so good to know that I'm not alone. I just have a 7 month old and 3.5 year old but with no family around for relief, I swear it feels like more some days! LoL This is by far the toughest job I've ever had, but the most amazing rewards as well. :) This is long and you may have seen it before, but if not... please read. It touched me as I received it a few years ago on Mother's Day.

I'm Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack
of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on
the phone and ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you
see I'm on the phone?"
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or
cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner,
because no one can see
me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can
you fix this? Can you
tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a
human being. I'm a clock
to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to
answer, "What number is
the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around
5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held
books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated summa
cum laude - but now
they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to
be seen again. She's
going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner,
celebrating the return of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from
a fabulous trip, and
she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.
I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at
my out-of-style dress;
it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My
unwashed hair was
pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could
actually smell peanut
butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when
Janice turned to me with a
beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you
this." It was a book
on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly
sure why she'd given it
to me until I read her
inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the
greatness of what you
are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the
book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths,
after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great
cathedrals - we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole
lives for a work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices
and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their
faith that the eyes of God
saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who
came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a
workman carving a tiny bird
on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the
man, "Why are you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam
that will be covered by
the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman
replied, "Because God
sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into
place. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you,
Charlotte. I see the
sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around
you does. No act of
kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no
cupcake you've baked, is
too small for me to notice and smile over. You are
building a great
cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will
become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.
But it is not a disease
that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the
disease of my own
self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong,
stubborn pride. I keep
the right perspective when I see myself as a great
builder. As one of the
people who show up at a job that they will never see
finished, to work on
something that their name will never be on. The writer
of the book went so
far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built
in our lifetime because
there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that
degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to
tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My Mom
gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand
bastes a turkey for three
hours and presses all the linens for the table." That
would mean I'd built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to
want to come home. And
then, if there is anything more to say to his friend,
to add, "You're gonna
love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We
cannot be seen if we're
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that
the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that
has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!